The Growing World Vagina

As I sit in my house at 3:30 AM (Eastern Time, that is) I reflect on my childhood and the world as it is today and realize that our society as a whole is growing a big vagina. Any ladies that take offense to this obviously sexist parallel that I draw here, I sincerely apologize. But in all seriousness, what the hell is our world coming to? I remember being what, 9 years old, and building a street luge and riding it down my driveway with a friend. I'm pretty sure nowadays that kids parents would sue my ass for putting their son in harms way. The direction our society is going, the future of the human race, is covered in safety foam and protective eye wear. It seems that every adult has the single child syndrome these days, trying to keep their kids from getting scuffed knees and the like.

Some of my fondest childhood memories involved scrapes and bruises and just being a crazy kid with a hell of a lot of energy. Now any kid with enough energy to give their parents a headache is given the A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. rubber stamp and drugged up so that they behave like all children should. I have seen everything from toys to television shows evolve from fart jokes, Play-Doh, Floam (yes, Floam), Slip-n-Slide, to the toys that look like action figures but play video games on the chest. Anything to perpetuate the growing western idea that anything that can keep the kids quiet and in line is worth slapping a new movie label on and shipping to homes worldwide.
Back to my idea of the new order of the "World Vagina". Nobody plays outside anymore, thanks to technological parenting and early home education and homeschooling. Do not blame the television, people. Old television shows (and by old I mean 7 or 8 years ago) made going outdoors sound fun. 'Salute Your Shorts', 'Ren & Stimpy', these shows had adventure. You wanted to go find a box and make a spaceship, damnit. Now kids on tv shows are playing video games and eating food all day. Relaxing, yes, but I believe this is some giant conspiracy by parents to get the kids to shut up and stop making a mess.

Parents not only encourage this kind of lifestyle, but will go so far as to safety-proof the house so that their kids can be sheltered little pricks the rest of their lives. My advice to all kids that haven't become complete lazy-asses: go outside, run around, make trouble, get hurt. That way when your kid asks you about your childhood, you can talk about all the shit you did and they can admire you instead of hearing about how 'Drake and Josh' was basically all you watched as a kid. If your parents ask you "What the hell were you thinking?!" when you come home with a concussion, laceration or other bodily harm, you'll know you're doing your childhood justice. Start using the imagination that all the adults and media are robbing you of or you'll end up liking "The Jonas Brothers".

A Reptile, A Black Woman, and Capitalism

While I am by no means against Capitalism, a line has to be drawn somewhere. I may have seen the most ridiculous commercial ever to be created. It was no normal commercial. It had been spawned out of the minds of those that brought us the Geico Gecko. Yes, the minds of Geico. This particular commercial left me hungry. For pancakes. The computer generated Geico Gecko was nowhere to be found, for he had been replaced by a more multicultural symbol, Aunt Jemima.

This talking bottle of syrup was narrating a customers car claim. I didn't hear anything she said. All I could thing of was geckos and pancakes. Not a very savory combination, to say the least. And while my mouth was inexplicably drooling, I realized that Capitalism had reached a new level. Here was a commercial with two completely different products, one being car insurance and the other, pancake syrup. Both products were benefiting from one advertisement. Not only that, but Geico was distracting my fantasy of squeezing Aunt Jemima's innards onto some lightly fried confectionery. Sick, yes, but completely true. Call me crazy, but the fact that one company's logo narrating for another company is a bit annoying to me. And by annoying, I mean delicious.

With that said, we can only hope for more of the same, however weird it may be. I think I would be good at shoving as many products in a consumers face as possible all at once. It would be a good day for all when the Dunkaroo's kangaroo (nostalgia, anyone?) has Nike Pumps on and is using an Ace Hardware toilet plunger to do a new dunk style into the frosting. That would be badass and delicious.

First Post

Alright, so seeing as I have no idea why I started a blog and attribute the creation of this to being bored as piss, I believe I'll start off by saying what I plan to post about in this little beastie before my ADD gets the better of me and I wander off.

I will be writing a lot about music, for starters, as that is what I know best and also what I enjoy the best. For anybody out there that believes that the cream of the crop in the world of music ends at that which graces the presence of the radio (93.3 anybody?) you will probably learn to hate my guts and refrain from reading any blasphemy that comes out of my mind (my fecal brain matter, to be exact). Some of you will actually expand your mind to other sources of music beyond the easily accessible and will enjoy listening outside the box. That's good too. Hopefully I'll be able to put some of my own garbage up here for digestion as well once I stop being a lazy bastard and actually record something worth listening to.

I will also probably deviate to the painful topic of politics from time to time. This may get ugly, so I will try to use this sparingly and only when something interesting or just plain ridiculous happens in the world of politics.

Last but not least, I will be putting up things from my daily life for your general amusement. In any case, everything I have just written may end up being complete bullshit, as I may forget that I even have a blog. If that proves to be true, it has truly been a pleasure through the good times and the bad times and I will miss you all.