The Growing World Vagina

As I sit in my house at 3:30 AM (Eastern Time, that is) I reflect on my childhood and the world as it is today and realize that our society as a whole is growing a big vagina. Any ladies that take offense to this obviously sexist parallel that I draw here, I sincerely apologize. But in all seriousness, what the hell is our world coming to? I remember being what, 9 years old, and building a street luge and riding it down my driveway with a friend. I'm pretty sure nowadays that kids parents would sue my ass for putting their son in harms way. The direction our society is going, the future of the human race, is covered in safety foam and protective eye wear. It seems that every adult has the single child syndrome these days, trying to keep their kids from getting scuffed knees and the like.

Some of my fondest childhood memories involved scrapes and bruises and just being a crazy kid with a hell of a lot of energy. Now any kid with enough energy to give their parents a headache is given the A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. rubber stamp and drugged up so that they behave like all children should. I have seen everything from toys to television shows evolve from fart jokes, Play-Doh, Floam (yes, Floam), Slip-n-Slide, to the toys that look like action figures but play video games on the chest. Anything to perpetuate the growing western idea that anything that can keep the kids quiet and in line is worth slapping a new movie label on and shipping to homes worldwide.
Back to my idea of the new order of the "World Vagina". Nobody plays outside anymore, thanks to technological parenting and early home education and homeschooling. Do not blame the television, people. Old television shows (and by old I mean 7 or 8 years ago) made going outdoors sound fun. 'Salute Your Shorts', 'Ren & Stimpy', these shows had adventure. You wanted to go find a box and make a spaceship, damnit. Now kids on tv shows are playing video games and eating food all day. Relaxing, yes, but I believe this is some giant conspiracy by parents to get the kids to shut up and stop making a mess.

Parents not only encourage this kind of lifestyle, but will go so far as to safety-proof the house so that their kids can be sheltered little pricks the rest of their lives. My advice to all kids that haven't become complete lazy-asses: go outside, run around, make trouble, get hurt. That way when your kid asks you about your childhood, you can talk about all the shit you did and they can admire you instead of hearing about how 'Drake and Josh' was basically all you watched as a kid. If your parents ask you "What the hell were you thinking?!" when you come home with a concussion, laceration or other bodily harm, you'll know you're doing your childhood justice. Start using the imagination that all the adults and media are robbing you of or you'll end up liking "The Jonas Brothers".